I want to talk about our words. The things we say to others that are hurtful, insensitive, ignorant, and painful.
I am guilty of this I know, and I am working on this trust me. However, like with most experiences in life, unless you experience something first hand you can't fully understand where others are coming from. But also believe in common sense. This is all something we all could work on. To be a better person. To be a better example. To be more Christ like. I often think of what I have said to others that has been hurtful or come out the wrong way. And trust me I understand when people say things that aren't meant to be hurtful. But my hope is that by sharing this with you that maybe just maybe you may think about it next time you witness, possibly say, or think of one of these instances.
Since the day we adopted Olivia, literally I have been amazed and what others feel entitled to say to me about her. About our situation. I know some people just don't get it. Some people really are insensitive, but I also try and give people the benefit of the doubt and just think that people didn't mean any harm. But again if one person can read this and think about it I will feel better and I'm sure Olivia and kids like her will appreciate it as well.
I wish I was kidding when I say that usually on a daily occurrence someone feels the need to comment on Olivia's race, skin color, etc. I have heard awful things like "Where did you get her?", "Where is she from?", "what is she?"
Me being the sarcastic person that I am, I have to include some humor or back lashing. So here it goes, let me answer some of the above questions for you;
"Where did you get her?" - Let's see I don't know under a rock possibly? I kidnapped her? Or what I want to say, bend over I will show you!! (sorry Mom)
"Where is she from?" - Sit down, grab a pen and paper and let's have a chat about the birds and the bee's because apparently your mother didn't have "the talk" with you. I really want to ask, and probably will one day respond with "I don't know, where did you come from?"
"What is she?" - She's a FREAKING HUMAN BEING!!! Or how about MY DAUGHTER!!!
Whew! That felt a little better. I sometimes want to respond with these answers and actually have on several occasions. But like I said before I want to give people the benefit of the doubt and not make things awkward or weird for people so I usually reply nicely and go on my merry little way! But never in my mind can I actually comprehend that people think it's ok to ask these type of questions. I mean really can you imagine walking up to someone you may/not know and say "what are you?".
As an adoptive parent it's hard enough as it is to know that you didn't carry this child. And then to have to take each opportunity to feel like you have to explain yourself. ADOPTION doesn't define my child. Her RACE doesn't define her. Sometimes I say, yes she is adopted if I feel like this person may want to know more about adoption or be familiar with it. Adoption is a beautiful and yet hard thing. And many times people in similar situations want to know other stories or may someone who is trying to adopt. On the other hand SHE IS MY DAUGHTER. I don't feel like I have to explain our story to every Tom Dick and Harry.
Many times I am asked these questions while their children are standing right next to them. I find this the most disturbing. How dare you let this ignorance be passed onto your child. Those with children know how your child watches, hears, and then repeats EVERYTHING YOU DO. Please take the opportunities to show your children that it doesn't matter what race, religion, or special needs those around us have. Does it really matter? I think it's critical that yes we talk about these things but in a manner that is informative but not opinionated. If you look at the behavior of a child do they notice?
I understand that I knew this would be an obstacle when we adopted Olivia. But I will also defend my child till the day I die.
On another note I want to talk about Adoption and Pregnancy. I have also had several hurtful things said to me about adoption and pregnancy. Adoption isn't easy, it in no way is the easy road to have a family. After 10 years of trying to get pregnant and being told that I will never be able carry my own child. I will never be able to feel my child kick with in my own body. I have always wanted to be able to walk around and make that funny noise your pregnant women make when you're out of breath. Or be able to rest my hands on my belly in awe of what my body is capable of. I will never be able to experience the ultrasound or finding out the sex of my baby. I even crave the morning sickness. I long for that feeling. I have literally lost myself in my tears with the pain of feeling like I'm not a true woman for not being able to experience this. Not to mention the hardness this trial takes on your marriage and companionship. It feels like a gap in your relationship. Not to mention the failed adoptions that we have experienced when the birth mother, in her own agency, changed her mind, as we waited at home to find out when the baby was going to be born.
I remember specifically one instance where I was lost. I literally felt like there wasn't a soul in the world who knew what I was going through. No one. I was running one night and a cheesy song came on my ipod "My Daughter's Eyes" and even though this sounds like it's from a Hallmark Movie, I lost it. Right there on the road. I wanted to give up. The ONE THING I wanted more than anything in this world I couldn't have. It wasn't like I was asking for a million dollars. Not being able to carry your own child is one of those things that no one can fix for you. I don't know what it is like to carry your own child. I don't pretend to know. But I would give up anything in this world for that opportunity. So just as I don't pretend to know your pains, your discomfort, your challenges while being pregnant. Please don't try and know mine. I know that sounds harsh and trust me there are many friends and people who have been so kind and sensitive to us and we love you for that.
As an adoptive parent you have to go through experiences and time to feel that connection with your child. At least for me, I had, and still have instances where I gain knowledge and feel the spirit tell me that this is my child. She was brought to us a different way, a special way, but you still long for that feeling like this is your child because it doesn't happen like most people.
Please, myself included, remember to watch what you say, how you treat others, how you react when someone else says something inappropriate or unkind.
I want my daughter to know and will do everything in my power to let her know throughout her life that she is amazing.Yes, that she is our daughter. Yes, that I love her. And yes, she will watch me by example of how I treat others. The day you came into our life, it changed forever. I will try to be a better person because of you. You have taught me more about myself and others than anyone else.
